"I Finally Get The Parable of The 10 Virgins, A Mother's Tribute"
Oye Vay. My blue spell has had me vexed in a bad way. Guilt on the other hand, is the color of brown, like a big brown boulder. When I have a big brown boulder strapped to my back because I can't keep up with what would take 16 Flyingmonkeymothers to keep up with, well, tacking on "Mother's Day" to my list is just cruel. Truly, the thought of taking the time to take this day off was NOT my way of relaxing. Recently, I stated that by the end of this May, the risk is high that I will spontaneously combust, leaving a pile of blue and brown ashes. April & May are 2 months that I schedule myself to dread, these 60 days are just naturally overly busy, no? Such whining contradicts with all that I love about this season, I love to garden; I love the symbolism of Spring; I love the Savior and I love being told by my children "Happy Mother's Day, Mommy, you are my very best mommy in the whole wide world!...Here are your hug, kiss and chore coupons for the year...use them wisely!"

So what in the Sam Hill was my deal? What could make me feel all blue & brown? Why am I allowing these blue & brown feelings to shackle me & steal my joy to the point that I have NOT been myself for several weeks?


Ummm....I can't tell you right here. Well, I can, just not via the internet medium. To do so, would be in a word, stupid.


Ugh, this particular season has been harder to navigate than others I have survived. Why? Well...like I already said, that's not a bloggable subject. It's not that it's private, it's just not bloggable...because really, it's not anything funny or uplifting, but it is discouraging. Now, if you and I have talked in person, chances are good you are sighing with relief that I choose to not blog the details of what pains me right now. And if you and I have not spoken about the "Why" to my recent cause of angst?
....Just trust me on this one.

Consequently, I am not at my writing best....or as Kevin says, "scribble-scrabble". The joy I normally feel when I am internally urged to write was tabled. There has been no time for writing, since writing for me, is a seemingly single treat of serendipitous escapades.

You can always tell when something negative has my hyperfocused attention. I lose 5-10 pounds. My eyes have that glazed over.."Hello...Is anyone in there?" look. For me, I can always tell when something has a hold because as much as I would like to sleep, sleep I cannot.

I cannot sleep because all I want to do is put on my big girl drawers, grab a shovel & start building the bridge from ...."a difficult and painful place to be stuck" to a"good choices begating good feelings" destination. Such was the case of this Mother's Day morning at 2:38am. I laid staring at the ceiling, then the wall, then the doorway, then the bathroom, then the bookshelf, then my desk, then the TV. My laptop escaped my stares....it lay quietly safe in the living room.

I thought about getting up and snagging some much needed pewdur (another Kevin word) time...but another tell-tale sign of me being "in the zone" is apparently I take subconscious leave of my favorite cult known as Facebook. However, this facebooker has ADHD, & the last thing I need, most of the time, is any more snap. I knew better than to touch my laptop with if my goal was to catch even just a few zzz's.

The thought of penning all that was riding my nocturnal brainwaves showed up on my ticker-tape but a wise voice firmly reminded me in my listening ear that such stimulation was not on the agenda at 2:39 am.

My sorda read here-and-there books beckoned me from the bookshelves next to my bedroom door to the point that I allowed myself to be tempted. Making out titles in the dark, I thought, "how weird that I am seriously considering writing for more than just the love of it in the near future, and yet, personally, I really do not love to read"...OUCH! Reading tends to make me tired and I get bored easily...another ADHD thang. Perfect choice for my zombie state, right? Wrong. It would have backfired as I kept reaching for my many Stephen Covey's and all the other leadershipish type books, crud.....Negatory Ghost-Writer....I'd been like an alcoholic bellied up to the bar with any of those reads....not what I needed. I needed sleep for the love of Petey.

So I moved past the bookshelves...to the doorway...to the living room feeling relief as I picked up the remote. My justification came from the surety that watching the latest mobster bio, or another history piece on the fall of the Roman empire, or C-SPAN, or the umteenth documentary on addictive substances, I would drift off to "LaLa LeLe Land" so grateful for my blessings. Skipping and dipping through the gazillion U-Verse channels, I actually landed in the spiritual range of channels that I very often find myself. I am fascinated by Potter's House, Rod Parlsey, some blond pastor femme fatale who makes Joyce Meyer look like a evangelical powderpuff and the H-town team, Joel & Victoria Olsteen. Finding the jovial nun on TV reminds me of "The Sound Of Music" ( I relish the scene where the nuns must confess to the Reverend Mother that they snagged some needed engine piece to the Nazi's cars! What a savory sin to cough up!) and she is so charming to me. I often wonder if any of my Catholic friends watch this Sister and smile.

With all the spiritual banquet I have to offer myself via the telly, my very favorite place to fall asleep is BYUTV. Not because it's the boring equivalent to Ambian, but because when something is genuinely troubling me, like what has troubled my heart and mind of late, nothing soothes me more, relaxes me and helps me gain needed perspective like finding a great talk being given on BYUTV. (Note to self...do this at the first sign of trouble....rather than waiting a month!)

Mother's Day morning at 3am I watched a talk by someone whose name escapes me right now, and she was speaking about the amazing, those named and un-named, women found in my scriptures. The gospels of the Old Testament & New Testament of the Holy Bible teach of incredible women of faith beginning with the beloved Eve, who I would love to wish a "Happy Mother's Day" to. While there are only 3 named women in the Book of Mormon, the very human Sariah, the willing Abish and the maligned Isabel, there are 2000 valiant young striplings who openly gave due honor for their committed mothers. In the Pearl of Great Price we are able to learn so much more of courageous Eve. And, in modern day LDS church history, there are women who sacrificed much more than just their silks and china for their beliefs, such as Emma Hale Smith & Eliza R. Snow, who are forever mine to look up to in the Doctrine & Covenants.

Letting my blue and brown issues fall to the floor, I fell asleep as my mothers of yesteryear rocked me to sleep.

My own Mother's Day has been improved dramatically in recent years by the likes of Marjorie Pay Hinckley, Sheri Dew, Anita Canfield, Mary Ellen Edmunds & Julie Beck, who are all in my current fav five of healthy and worthy examples of motherly women.

In my world, there are many, many, many women who are gifts with their presence. Lucky me. Perhaps you are a mormon mama too or perhaps you are not of my own faith, regardless, do you know I look up to you and adore your shining example? You may have children whom you did not give birth to, you may have babies yet to come here, or Heavenly Father may have yours by his side while you pine to see them again. You may have a gaggle about you or you may have just one. With so many of your maternal choices to help me along my way, making me a better mommy for Dylan, Derek, Cade and Kev. Thank you for showing me why the Lord could trust each of you in these tender yet crucial positions. Charles Dickens wrote, "Tis Not A Small Thing When Those So Fresh From God, Love Us". I believe this completely!

I love that I am a teachable soul who is placed in the midst of women of character, spunk, and dogged determination to make this world a better nest for their little chickadees. By providing a world where our babies learn well why they must spread their own wings in order to survive the fall of their maiden flights, they will have much to sing about while they soar again and again.

From this day forward, Mother's Day will be more than just a date to get through & I want to sincerely celebrate it from now on. Only, not by designing a new line of mylar decorations to fill a niche in the Hobby Lobby market. It is a day that my own mother-in-law should have her feet kissed by me for giving me her son, thereby changing my life to a life worth living. I want to celebrate motherhood because it gives me the chance to be just like the Candy Man and make the world a better place for you and me. I want to look at the calendar in April and May with wiser eyes....enjoy the journey.....and be of good cheer. If I will choose to love the mayhem, my children will understand I wanted to be their mother, I signed up for this job & would sign up again with a willing heart and knowing mind. Being a daughter of God, the role of mother is sacred to me. Looking forward, if my children can recount without a shred of doubt that they each are the very oil in my lamp and if they show their wives that know how to clean a toilet, then I'll be confident that I did accomplish all that was really supposed to be on my to-do list as a mom.

Wow...I think the blue and brown funk is leaving the building....GOOD RIDANCE!